Field Trip to Crazy Town

I could have sworn that this morning when I woke up, got dressed, and climbed into the minivan (I don't want to hear it), I was on my way to work. I'm fairly certain that I took the same route that I normally take in the morning. However, despite my assuredness, I somehow arrived at a destination that did not, in any way, resemble work. No, I had apparently arrived in Crazy Town. Ah the frequent disappearance of so many people in the 50s to The Twilight Zone all makes sense now. I can finally see how it happens.

It must have been the phone call I received just before pulling into the parking lot. It was a magical phone call . . . one with the power to swoop down, and whisk me away to Crazy Town. For those paying attention, you may have already guessed that the call was from my ex-wife.

You see, on Monday I dropped of my eldest at school, and my youngest at the daycare where _______ works. My lovely ex-wife was calling to inform me that both kids had lice. Eek. I believe that her initial intention was to inform me that A. they had lice, and B. I should probably launder their bedding and such (which as it turns out, is unnecessary. Read about lice here.). However, the actual delivery turned out to be more her style:

A: They have lice.
B: You should probably launder their bedding.
C: If you actually bathed them, you would have noticed
D: If you had noticed, you could have taken care of it so I don't have to
E: Now I'm going to lose tons of money because I can't go to work

It's important to note that there wasn't much of a pause between A. and E. With that lack of pause, I had little opportunity to say much. It's also important to note that starting at C., she wound up her "high pitched" accusatory tone that I've become quite familiar with.

The reason that's important is because later, when I attempted to relay to her why I became a less-than-pleasant, adversarial individual who mounted a rather broad and all-encompassing counter-attack, she had clearly completely erased the fact that she had communicated points C through E. "I was only calling to tell you that they had lice, and that you were going to want to wash their bedding and clothes, and then you just attacked me!!!!!!!" (imagine a pitch of tone that is ever increasing as the sentence is stated . . . yes, a lot like an air raid siren) Riiiiiiiiight, because I decided to pick up the phone when I saw it was my ex (which is a greater courtesy than she ever extends to me) and immediately launch into a character assassination, because my kids have lice (again . . . eek.). Yeah, because I work that way. That's how I roll.

It certainly had nothing to do with the insinuation that I willingly, and maliciously decided to foist two infested kids upon her just so she'd miss work. Or that because I never bathe or care for my children (for the record, every other night is bath night, in which I wash their hair. After every bath, their hair is brushed, and every morning, their hair is brushed). It also had nothing to with the extended blame game where I am somehow responsible for her losing money because she has to stay home with the children. Yeah, both of those statements just made me happy as ham to be cordial and understanding towards her. What absolutely fascinates me, is that in the world of cause and effect, she sees only effect, and makes the inexplicable assumption that said effect, is somehow square one. Cause? Doesn't exist. Not in her world, especially if that cause can in any way be tied to her.

So, as is our dance, the conversation continued to spiral out of control (and to be fair, I certainly poured my share of accelerant on the blaze), until such time as I decided to simply hang up on the shrieking harpy on the other end. Now, I've never been a "hang up" sort of guy. She, on the other hand . . . while not a guy, has always been fond of the passive-aggressive (ironic, since such a term is her favorite label for me) hang-up. I have to say, it's rather satisfying to finally dish out to her, what I've so often been the recipient of. I digress . . . . she then called back. I was away from my desk, where my cell phone sat. So when I returned I was treated to a voice mail from her whereby she was clearly upset, and in tears, and trying the "soft", pleading approach. So, I called her back.

I'm sure at this point, those reading this may be shaking their heads.

Rest your trigger on my finger, bang my head upon the fault line.

At that point, the conversation only devolved into me piling point upon point of contention on her. I have a lot to say her. It's very similar to the first Matrix movie . . . I've taken the red pill, and now I can finally see the false reality that was my existence . . . and I'm pissed. The problem is, it's an exercise in complete futility, as she would never, could never, will never, ever admit a modicum of responsibility for anything. If she ever does, it's with hundreds of tiny little filaments of absolution attached. Filaments that resemble spider silk . . . . hard to see with the naked eye, but there just the same. Eventually it was her turn to hang up mid-sentence. Fine. Better this way.

So, I went out for a smoke to reflect on the exchange. I see how it goes all sideways. Part of it is that she doesn't communicate by the accepted standards of social interaction. You know, a civil, logical, productive exchange of ideas between two people who value their good standing with the opposite party. I replayed her tone and attitude over in my head from the first phone conversation. I wondered if she could see the belligerence and acrid abrasiveness of her approach. How, I'm certain that she would never think to approach her co-workers in such a manner, and expect that they would continue to treat her with due politesse and respect.

The other part, is that I'm am more than happy to strap on the armor, sharpen the axe, and wade into the fray. There are a great number of points and statements she deserves to hear. Now, I fully realize that anything having to do with our past relationship is invalid and pointless. I'm actually talking about our children. There are so many "wrongs" that she needs to answer to (our youngest being brought back to her by the police . . . her letting small children fend for themselves while she sleeps all day . . . her besieging a 5 and 8 year old with the stresses of her financial woes . . . and on and on)

After I returned, I decided to send her an e-mail. The essential gist of the e-mail explained, in simple terms, that if she desired a cordial, productive co-parenting relationship with me, she was going to have to be cordial. That, as we were no longer married, I am under no obligation to put up with her shit, and continue smiling while she serves me a second helping. Oddly, in her surrealistic and frankly delusional blog, this was translated into "If I don't play by his rules, I'm not rewarded with his humanity". Yes, actually genius, you're correct. However, what she fails to realize, is that's how the WORLD operates. I can't walk up to some guy, kick him in the balls, and then get mad at him when he punches me in the mouth. Who in the hell doesn't realize this? How absolutely insane must one be for this common reality to somehow not exist for them?

With that, in keeping with my intention to provide a running defense to her moon-bat rantings, I will respond to her bizarrely paranoid and borderline blog entries in-line, here (my responses will be in blue, for ease of digestion):

HE's Trying To Kill Me, I Know It - Through slow, meticulous mental cruelty. He even said to me today that he knew he'd be able to raise the kids, he had faith in his ability to do so, insinuating should ANYTHING happen to me.

Actually what I said was, that her financial situation was no longer my concern, and that as far as the girls went, if their well-being was in question because of her inability to care for them, I had no problem raising them on my own. Essentially, I was pre-empting (though she never raised the point, to be fair) any "If you cared about the wellfare of your children, then you'd care about my situation" arguments.

(last time he gave them back to me they were both sick for a week and I had to miss 4 days of work, putting a HUGE financial burden on me)

No, your decision to be a professional babysitter is what has placed a HUGE financial burden on you. It's ALL about choices.

"*i*'m not the one who chose to go to art school"...he likes that one, so he can throw the fact that I can't make the same money as him in my face.

I like that one because I'm trying, for some odd reason, to teach her that the choices she has made, has constructed her current existence. The people around her, in her life, are not responsible for her, or how her life has developed.

He seems to have a selective memory about at one time LOVING that I was who I was, an artist, and went to art school and SUPPORTED my art career and told me for YEARS that I didn't have to worry about working but could pursue my art.

And she seems to forget that her circumstances have changed. Yes, I loved the novelty of her being an artist. It *seemed* cool and special. I am, however shocked (though I know it was unintentional) that she's finally admitted that I funded her dream. Here's the thing, lots of people have dreams. I'd love to be a writer. Nevertheless, dreams don't pay the bills. Thus, most people maintain a healthy balance of paying the bills with profitable careers, while slowly developing their dreams. A select, fortunate few are eventually able to transfer their efforts solely into their dreams because of the financial viability of their dreams. She, on the other hand, seems to foster this juvenile belief that the world owes her the prosperity that comes with making wise choices, whilst she skips off into dreamland. When that fragile reality is shattered by the circumstances of the real world, someone must be at fault . . . lately, that someone is me.

I'm not a victim, I AM working...working my ass off. worked a 12 hour day yesterday as a matter of fact. Is THAT a lazy, gold-digging, do nothing person? Is THAT someone who doesn't give a shit about taking care of what I need to take care of?

No, that's someone who hasn't fully realized the axiom, "work smart, not hard". Yeah, I could go put in 18 hours at McDonald's, and be the best damn burger flipper the world has ever seen. Does that entitle me to success and prosperity? No. Wise and prudent career choices allow some of us to work not with the sweat of our brow, but with the natural product of our intellect. One would think the pseudo-intellect that I used to be married to would somehow put that together.

He likes to accuse me of all sorts of things, all of which I do NOT spend time justifying because he is NOT my judge or jury, but in the end this only serves his further beliefs in my inabilities and lowliness as a human being. He is NOT my God, I do NOT have to make excuses for myself or my actions to him.

Yikes . . . seriously . . . complex of persecution anyone? She is absolutely correct. She owes me no explanation. However, everyone is their own person, and no one needs be forced to put up with less than acceptable treatment from anyone. Correct she can do as she wishes . . . but those actions/words have consequences. Usually, those consequences entail me treating her in a like fashion. Novel, I know.

I have found out that my EX may have had a big hand in the solidification of the breakup of B and I. He told me today that he and B had LONG conversations about me, in which they spoke about my "bad choices". I'm sure he made many a comment to sooth B's insecurities about me...yes yes, you are RIGHT to feel that way about her...Of course, I'm sure B was happy to have a sympathetic ear to complain to about me. The Denise Hate Club grows...

I can't help but laugh a little inside. This is where I've finally (with outside help) come the conclusion that not only is ______ bipolar, borderline personality disorder, and possesses a victim complex, but she's become paranoid as well. The conversations that I had with "B" were nothing of the sort that is being painted here. In fact, I really, really liked that guy, and I was frequently painting the scenario to him as "when she seeks help, and regains some of her health, I'm sure the two of you . . . ". I WANTED the two of them to make it. All for one selfish reason: When they were together, she was far easier to deal with and talk to. In fact, "B", her, myself, and my girlfriend all attended a birthday party for my eldest together. We all had a great time. It was fantastic. I wish that could exist again. But alas, they broke up, and I'm left with this bizarre, surrealistic wreck of a person that is impossible to reason with. To demonstrate how off the mark she is . . . when she was committed to a mental institution for suicidal tendancies, I quickly went into action to try and make sure her business was taken care of. I went to her landlord to let them know that she would be a bit late on rent (Usually, if you let them know ahead of time, they're far more understanding than if you simply don't pay). I went to her employer and let them know that she was sick and in the hospital, being VERY careful not to let them know the nature of her issue, as I figured it would put her job at risk. I made sure to let her closest friend and family know about her situation so that they could provide assistance as necessary . . . somehow though, all of that means I'm out to get her. Can you say paranoid?

Oh yes, he's a nice guy. "I'd like to have a nice relationship with you where I CARE about you..." subtext, but you MUST play by MY rules at ALL times and never step out of line or have a contrary opinion, because if you DO, I will make you PAY. And THAT he does.

No different than the rest of the world. If you want cordial, beneficial interactions with people on the street, you can't start by insulting them. It just doesn't work that way.

So, here I am again, missing work, lost medical benefits, out of medication, won't be able to pay my bills...and this is NOT playing a victim

Actually, by definition, yes it is.

Because if person after person who once said, no VOWED, that they would love you and cherish you and never wanted to see harm come to you, then are wishing you ill will or not caring about you or judging you, then maybe they are RIGHT and maybe you don't deserve to be breathing

This is where she now starts to really spin up the public relations machine. Allow me to say (and I mean every word - c'mon, I've happily been as stark and brutal as I wanted to be in this blog so far, I have no reason to stop now) that I truly wish her no harm. My statement about "not caring" was made in context of where my priorities are. My priority is the current love of my life who actually reciprocates, and my children. Period. With that said, I can't express enough how much I wish she'd get into seriously intensive therapy and truly come out of the ashes as a self aware, healthy person. It's actually somewhat painful to watch the trainwreck that is her. Especially when I had such high hopes for her at one time. Now all I have is mounting evidence that she is only going to accelerate her unstoppable self-destruction.

CLEARLY there is nothing lovable about someone like me.

If I had a penny for every time I responded to statements like these (while we were together) until I was blue in the face, trying to talk her down from the ledge . . . . I swear to God . . .

And selfishly I hope that you might hold on too. Perhaps secretly I hope that you will do more than hold on, perhaps I hope that you will GRASP tightly, and maybe even pull in, towards yourself...don't LET me go.

To those she is addressing let me say . . . I did the very thing she is begging for now, for over seven years. Such a thing is clearly not what is needed to make her a whole, healthy person. I don't know what will, but I know that approach has already been worn thin, to no effect.